ATTENTION YOU!

I have made a choice in which any smart blogger would do and moved to Word press.
You can follow me there! This will be my last blog on this site, all my previous posts are there, and it's where all my future ones will be residing. :)

Here is the link!

http://actlikeataylor.wordpress.com/

A pile of ashes.

I remember when I first met you,
At the Homecoming football game.
The first thing I noticed was that your eyes were blue.
You told me your name,
I told you mine.
We left, not knowing if we'd meet again.
That very night, you found me online.
And we talked for hours upon end.
You asked if I could be yours,
I smiled and told you I'd love to be.
For months we learned about each other,
Our hopes, fears, dreams, and what made us happy.
We became so close, I knew we'd never seperate,
We were like the sun and moon,
We needed each other to survive, never to become desolate
Little did I know, we would fall soon.
We grew apart
Day after day
Wishing for a brand new start
Hoping for a brighter day.
I gave you all I had, in hopes that would suffice
But you gave up, and left without a thought.
I tried to win you back, but in doing so paid a price.
You killed me with your words, making me distraught.
I fell into hold habits,
Hurting myself to find peace.
Creating more and more secrets,
To hide my unhealthy form of release.
It was relief I felt,
When the blade crossed my skin.
Relief no other could have dealt.
I enveloped myself in my own form of sin.
Day after day I fell deeper into my own hole,
Trying to find a way out
Looking for a loophole
A way out of my doubt.
Doubt that I would ever be myself again,
Doubt I was worth anything
Doubt that I would never love again
Doubt that nothing could stop this aching.
Then, like a beautiful bright light,
God spoke out to me.
He said, 'There is no need to fear, for I am with you.' I knew then, it would all be alright.
Slowly, day by day, I became what is now me.
Growing stronger and stronger everyday.
Becoming who I was born to be.
To explain how I felt understanding my purpose in this world, is nothing I can say.
But what I can show you
As you watch me grow,
In the one and only God who will never forsake you.
Then there will be no explaining to be done, you'll just know.
I know now, I loved him for a reason.
That reason I will not know till the time is right,
And when it is, it will be a new season,
A season, that I can actually get right.

He used to only be a bunch of memories in a box,
Now he's a pile of ashes.

The inspiration for this? Yesterday, (well now, two days ago.) On the 19th of August was the mark of one year being single. And on the 20th, I burned the evidence. I had planned on only burning a few of the things, but an angry streak broke out in me and I burned it all. Pictures, a T-Shirt, letters from him, letters to him, a bear, a CD. I burned it all. And I haven't felt this free in so long. Watching them burn one at a time was a huge accomplishment. Watching the words he wrote to me shrivel up and die was an experience I almost wish I could relive. :)

All I know is I am free of the relationship. Forever. And I couldn't be happier. :)

Wanting it all.

So I know God has called me to be an actress. He's spoken to me and to others, and I just know it. And don't get me wrong, it is my passion beyond anything else! I love it so so much, and I can't wait to get more into it.

Today I started thinking about why I wanted to become an actress before I heard from God. Because before I even cared about God I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to get out there and be in films, be on broadway and all that other good stuff. But for some reason i just started wondering, WHY did I want to do this so bad? Why do I want to do this so bad? And, well, I got my answer.

Apart from being an actress, I have always had other dreams. A vet, a forensics specialist, an FBI agent, a profiler for the FBI, a writer, a singer, a dancer, I've always wanted to go back to The Middle Ages. Be a queen, a princess, a servant girl. A kidnap victim. The villain. I've always wanted it all, and I realized, like a slap in the face, an actress gets the chance to do all of that! Someone once told me I was a very diverse actor. I can go from one thing and switch the another as fast as turning a switch on or off. And that is without a doubt on my top list of favorite compliments. Being and actress, I get to experience all of that but still live my life in the world around me. It's an amazing feeling, and I find it so funny that with all of these desires of my heart, God gave me the perfect career for it. <3 He is SO awesome!!! :D

All I have to say is....

God is AWESOME. :D

Did you know we're supposed to rejoice in our times of sorrow? That we are supposed to actually think of these hard times as a blessing from God? I never grasped this concept until twenty minutes ago. I just got back from an incredible week, and Satan is really trying to tear me down! Today I was in sort of a funk, and I just didn't see the point in anything. But I opened my bible and I read James, my favorite book EVER. That book starts out by saying this:

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

For the longest time this confused me. But then God broke it down for me. :D
We are supposed to rejoice in our times of trouble because God sent them our way. He never gives us too much to handle, so we are able to fire back at satan with our own ammo because we have the Holy Spirit inside of us! Because God is testing our faith so that we can grow more in HIM! It then goes on to say that when our endurance is fully developed we'll be perfect, complete, and needing nothing. I figured, well geeze God hurry this up so that I can need nothing and be super content with my life.

But the troubles don't just STOP. God took 7 days to create the world and it's wonders. But he's taking your entire life to mold and shape you, so your life will be difficult. It may even get worse, but God is only molding you and shaping you to be the person He has destined you to be!

So when you feel there is nothing to smile at, smile at THAT!

Miami Outreach 2010

I feel spiritually, physically, and emotionally renewed! And it's awesome!

The week of July 26th - July 31st was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had! I apologize in advance if I don't make much sense, for the simple fact it's so hard to find words with what I experienced.

I've realized how much I take for granted. Being outside in the heat for long periods of time and then going right back into AC is a BLESSING. The family's we saw and witnessed to don't get the chance to go back into AC, they have to sit in that heat 24/7. But we can just talk about how hot it is outside from the comfortable AC in our home. :(

Another thing, today my sister and brother and I went outside for some "exploring in the woods" the entire time, they were saying how hot it was and such, but it didn't really phase me, because, well I can't explain why. My guess is simply because of what I saw and how I felt all week. Sweating all day and on the go at all times...That was nothing compared to what most people go through.

I can honestly say that I wasn't expecting anything that happened. On Monday, I was just like yea this gonna be good. And then Tuesday, walking through Liberty City and giving out stuff and just talking with people, and telling them about the party we'd be having, and seeing the ways that they lived, and knowing that wasn't even the worst of it. Some people were excited about it too. There was one family with these three kids who translated for their mom, and they were so excited, and I saw them there! :D It was a good feeling to know we made a difference.

And then we went to South Beach and prayed for people. Some people thought it was really weird that we'd be praying for them. But some wanted it more than anything, you could see it in their eyes. And it was nice to know we were a blessing to them.

Also, on Thursday night, I was prayed for. And I'd go into detail but there will more than likely be a separate blog. So I'll just say this, this guy was speaking straight from God. He knew something that I've never told anyone, that I'd hardly admitted to myself. He spoke of a desire of my heart that I've always kept to myself, and that was the FIRST thing he said! So as you can imagine, the rest was pretty amazing, God is AWESOME.

All I know is I have a new perspective on Life. I'm content with myself, with where I'm at with what I'll be doing in the future. No money or loads of it. I'm content. Something I haven't been since 5th grade. :D

I love God. And I live Him more and more everyday. I've never felt so at peace! :D This is just all too wonderful.

Tomorrow is Wednesday!!!! I can't wait for The Movement!!!!!! :D :D :D

I'm ready to get my worship on. :D Even though I've worshiped every day in my room, I want more. :D

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Missions Trip

So my youth group is going on a Mission's Trip. And I'm going and I must say I am utterly terrified. I don't even know why. I was all fine and dandy with going and now I'm just like..AH!

I wish I could pen point the reason as to why I have this feeling. Maybe it's because I have never done anything like this. I dunno. All I know is I'm nervous beyond comprehension.

My dad has been asking me if I want to back out because I can't even eat I'm so nervous. But I do feel like I'm supposed to be there. Maybe this will be a huge step for me, so that part I'm excited for. And I probably sound like a broken record, but I am still scared. Haha. But the point of this is to ask for prayer. Because I'm going to be needing it this weekend and then next week. :D

This week is going to be very interesting indeed.

Life.

I wish I could find words to express how I am feeling at this moment in time. I'm almost too happy for words. And I hardly know why. I do believe that's the best part.

A blog I posted forever ago titled, "Waiting for the Day" had a comment on it. And I've taken that comment into much consideration.

I've been writing monologues now. Granted that half of them end up in the trash but still it's a start! Dramas have been pouring out of me recently and it's so exciting. I also want to start making videos. Filming them and such. Because I have some ideas in my head that are just too elaborate and amazing for stage. :) And I have some good ideas. I just need a HD camera. Which I am looking at one and I'm hoping I can get it by the end of this year.

God is really showing in my work and it's so exciting. I feel like he's the writer and I'm the pen, and it's one of the greatest feelings I have ever had.

I've also come to a lot of life changing conclusions that I don't like but I have to handle. And a lot of you won't like them either, but it's what I need write now. :)

The point is, I'm happy. And that's that. :D

Lost

I have had so many people ask me lately, 'Why are you so obsessed with Lost?' 'Isn't Lost over? You're re-watching it? Why?'

I've decided to give everyone my reasonings for watching Lost. If it does not make sense to you...I don't care.

When I began watching this show I loved it from the first episode. Why? It was captivating. It grabbed me and sucked me into it and I couldn't stop. It started out as such a normal good show for me. And then I saw the episode titled 'Walkabout' it shows a character by the name of John Locke in a wheelchair. But once he lands on the island, BAM, he can walk. And the moment he stood was such a heart stopping thing for me. It was just WOW.

And then more and more episodes that I watched, had more and more heart racing moments. There was a drug addict, who was having major withdrawals, and he had a packet of heroine. Someone told him he could ask him back for his heroine three times. And on the third, he'd give it to him. Well, Charlie, the druggie, asked him three times. On the third, he threw it into the fire. It was beautiful.

Then there was a couple, a korean couple, who seemed to have a really bad marriage. The husband always told her to cover up, button up your top, all that other stuff. On one episode, she was swimming in the ocean in a bikini, he got really mad and told her to never do that again and he covered her up with a thin cloth. Well, events unrolled and at the end of that episode, she stood there, on the beach, with the cloth wrapped around her. The wind picked up and she let the cloth fly away and the camera went down from her head to her feet and she was wearing that bikini. She was showing she was standing up for herself. It was beautiful.

I could go on and on about stuff like this but I'll get to my point.

All of the survivors of oceanic 815 were not there by accident. They were brought there for a reason. And as the show unfolds, so does that reason. What I find most wonderful, is they were all given a second chance. A chance to start over, get their lives back, on the island. And I realized how much I would kill to be in one of their shoes.

I won't get into the details, in case you're reading this and you've never seen Lost and there is a chance you might. But this show for me was more than just a show. It helped me believe in the fact that everything does happen for a reason. And even though you have had a horrible past, you do have a purpose, you ARE needed for a greater purpose, and that to me is something worth believing in.

This show has taught me so much. It's taught me about stopping temptation, about loving someone, about accepting the fact that you're different. About life in general. I don't expect most people to understand, because some people are probably like, wow Taylor this is sad, it's just a frikin TV Show. No, no it's not. It's so much more than that.

I could tell you over and over again how beautiful this show is, but I won't. I just wanted you to understand what this show has done for me. Even if I didn't really make sense, at least you know pieces of why. Watch it, and maybe you'll be able to put those pieces together.

Step in the right Direction.

Daniel called me this morning at around 4. We talked for two hours.

For those of you who have no idea who I am talking about, Daniel is my ex. My most recent one. Someone who I gave everything to, and loved with everything in me. I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year. And then this morning he calls me because he had a horrible night mare and I was the only one he knew would listen.

The nightmare was about me. And he described it in detail. He then began crying. I told him we didn't have to talk about it anymore and we just talked about random crap. He then apologized for everything, and then I did some apologizing as well.

The point is, when we got off the phone, I realized I didn't feel anything. It was just like a friend talking to a friend. I didn't start thinking about how much I missed him, I didn't start wanting him back...I didn't even get those stupid butterflies at the sound of his voice.

And I realized that phone call was a test for me. And I do believe I passed with flying colors. xD

The World.

"Just because you don't understand the mechanics of how something works, doesn't make it any less of a miracle."

This quote is one of the most beautiful quotes I have ever heard. Life to me, is so amazing. I mean, let's think about this for a minute.

We are alive. We have little nerves and muscles in our bodies that send messages to our brains to move. We are able to send messages to our brain on how to do anything. But it feels like we just do it! I can't explain how awesome this is to me...

And then we have two eyes, where we can SEE the world! The grass, the trees, the skies. It's all there for us to look through these little balls in our heads and SEE.

Then we have these two ears that draw in sound. The ocean, music, animals. It's so amazing!

And then we're able to TALK. To just speak words out loud by just opening our mouths and being able to just SAY things...It's crazy!

I can't get into all of it because I could go for hours. I just thought I would share the beauty of all this.

I know science explains how all of this works, but only to an extent...God has created all of this. He's made this happen by just a wave of His hand! It's a miracle. YOU are a miracle. <333

:D I'm so happy I could scream.

How I long for the day to be an actress. <3 I want to experience every part of it that I can! Movies, television, commercials, Broadway, stage, all of it! And I am so gosh darn excited for it!

Top 5 Dream Roles : (not in any specific order, I can't pick which should be first!)

1 - Eliza Dolittle from My Fair Lady
2 - Jane Porter from Tarzan. I love this new musical!
3 - Ariel from the Littler Mermaid. Favorite ever!
4 - Belle from Beauty and the Beast. This is such a beautiful story!
5 - Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd. She's such a marvelous character.

And there are so many more, trust me. xD

I think I'd rather be in television more than movies. For the simple fact you bond with the cast more. xD I just love acting so much. And I'd much rather be in older styled ones rather than the new ones. xD

I can't wait to be the actress God has called me to be.. <3 And on top of all this, I'll be a drama minister!!!

I'm ready for this life of mine to get started!

I hate that...

I hate that I'm becoming more and more terrified of marriage every day.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I don't have a family who will support me no matter what.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that my life is falling apart and ripping at the seems.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I can't take control over my own temptations.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I can't look myself in the eyes when I look into a mirror.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I have learned to never expect a thank you.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I'm struggling with so much at one time.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I don't have a mom that will listen to me.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I regret half of my life.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I can never speak my opinion as freely as I want to.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that my own therapist no longer has time for me.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I have to see a therapist.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that no one even knew I was seeing a therapist.

I hate that I HAD no one to tell that too.

I hate that I feel alone in this world.

I hate I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I have to get my feelings out in a blog.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I'll never have that late night, movie watching, chocolate ice cream eating movie night with a girl.

I hate that I don't have a best friend.

I hate the fact that I'm worried about every little detail. I hate that I have to sit here at 3 in the morning and cry. I feel like everyone has just slipped away. I used to have someone who saw me struggling. Who asked if I was okay even with the biggest smile on my face.

Either I've gotten really good at acting, or no one really cares enough to look for it anymore.

And I especially hate the fact that I can be doing so good in my life, and then BAM, another freakin obstacle in the road.

I want so much more than this provincial life, but I fear I'll never amount to anything.

I hate that I have no one to tell this too.

To you.

Dear future husband. It's amazing to think that I can look up at the sun, or the sky, or the stars, and know that somewhere you see the same ones. It's crazy. And it almost scares me, because I have to question if you see them with the same interest and beauty that I do.

I'm scared that you aren't going to appreciate my past. That that's all you see. Or what if, because I want to be an actress, I decide I don't have time for a marriage, and so I wind up never meeting you?

I'm scared of telling you all of my fears, my thoughts. I'm scared of giving you my heart. I'm worried that it won't be enough for you. Because it isn't whole anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart is even there at all.

People have told me recently that I have a pure and beautiful heart. But I don't see it, if only they knew half of the things I've done. And you will have to learn those things on our journey through life together.

I;m terrified that I'll lose you. And I fear that that fear will control my mind and my heart as it did with Daniel.

I'm scared that I won't be satisfied with you. Because, I'm never happy in one thing for too long. I think that's part of the reason I want to be an actress. Because I get to experience so many different aspects of life. And what if you don't respect that?

What if I can't give you children? That's the number one thing I want the most, and I'm worried I won't be able to give them to you. And I will end up having to tell you the reason why.

I'm afraid to lose you and you aren't even mine to lose yet. Because at the same time that I have all of these fears, I pray and desperately hope that you will look past them and see what I truly want, and what I truly need, because, I know you'll be the only person who does so. The only person who will love me unconditionally. They only person who lets me vent about me once in awhile. The only person to understand.

I ask God every day to send you my way. But then I realize that I'm not ready for you. Because I'm hardly ready for myself.

-Taylor

Give them love and what does it get ya?

I was talking to my little sister tonight, and somehow we got on the subject of missing people. And she said, "I've never missed anybody before." And jokingly I put in, "Aw, so you've never missed me before?" And she just shook her head and said, "No, I just don't miss people."

I was a little thrown off by the fact that she was dead serious. So I asked, "You've never missed anybody? Ever?" And she shook her head. So I said, "You'll miss me when I move out." And she looked at me like, Are you joking? And she said, "No, I probably won't like I said, I don't miss people." And I said, "But you'd miss me if I died." And she didn't say anything...So I said, "Wouldn't you?" And she said, "I just don't think it's possible for me to miss anyone."

This just PROVES that everything I do around this house is for nothing. Everything I have ever done for her even if she doesn't realize it. I make her lunch nearly everyday. I do all kinds of crap for her, never even bothering to ask for a thank you. And I've learned not to expect one. But this? I mean come on! I even asked her if she missed our Grandma who passed away in March. She said she didn't even notice.

I could cry, but I'm still in complete and utter shock. There was a part of me that was hoping I was wrong in the fact that I wouldn't be missed when I moved out. I kept telling myself when Alora and Jerry didn't have me around they would stop treating me like dirt and realize all I do for them.

It kills me that I was wrong.

Songs

Here are some song lyrics that mean a whole lot to me right now...

Kurt's Turn - From Glee - Also known as Rose's Turn - Here

It Must Have Been Love - Redone by Maria Mena - Here

Defying Gravity - Wicked - Idina Menzel - Here

Bruised and Scarred - Mayday Parade - Here

The Silence - Mayday Parade - Here

I saved the best for last.

Dear Agony - Breaking Benjamin - Here

There are a lot more, but I don't think anyone will even read all of these sooo yea. :)

Waiting for the Day...

I'm waiting for the day someone sees me for me.

I'm waiting for the day when things about myself are not assumed, as I am changing every day.

I'm waiting for the day when someone notices I am changing.

I'm waiting for the day someone can finally relate to me.

I'm waiting for the day someone compliments my singing voice.

I'm waiting for the day when someone appreciates the little things I can do.

I'm waiting for the day I can write my own song.

I'm waiting for the day where I inspire someone.

I'm waiting for the day for someone to see how far I have come.

I'm waiting for the day people stop calling me 'kid' or 'kiddo'

I'm waiting for the day when people realize I am more like them than they know.

I'm waiting for the day when I don't have to be someone else's kind of perfect.

I'm waiting for the day someone tells me I'm beautiful without reason.

I'm waiting for the day I have the courage to do what I want.

I'm waiting for the day when I'm loved unconditionally.

I'm waiting for the day I can start fresh with a good friend.

I'm waiting for the day where my family realizes how much I've sacrificed.

I'm waiting for the day I can sleep again.

I'm waiting for the day when I am able to speak my mind like I used too.

I'm waiting for the day I can tell people what really happened in my relationship with Daniel.

I'm waiting for the day people realize my past is my past.

I'm waiting for the day people let me be myself.

I'm waiting for the day I get my chance.

I'm waiting for the day when someone can rescue me.

Am I selfish? No. Sorry if it did sound selfish, it wasn't intended. I'm just tired of always being the one to listen or the one to be counted on. I'm tired of people assuming how 'immature' I am... If they really knew me, they would realize I have changed. And I am older than I used to be. I'm just tired of nobody giving me credit...-sigh- I'm starting to annoy myself.

Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?

Geeze! Haha, yea, no raining on my parade. Get it got it good. ;)

I'm tired of only settling what this world is offering. If I want something by golly I am gonna go out and get it for myself! Because there is so much excitement in this world, and I have to be apart of it. It's like saying this world is juicy and I have to have my bite. ;)

Fo sho.

I'm ready to be everything God has intended for me and more. I'm ready to be the light I am meant to be. And I cannot wait. This is all so exciting! :D

Missing Out

So since Lost ended this year, I have been on a hunt to find my new favorite show. And after watching the first whole season of Glee within a week, I've concluded that it is now my favorite. Everything about it is awesome. The music, the characters, everything. Especially Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel.

But also, it breaks my heart. Because they are doing everything I can only dream about. I long to be on a TV Show, and sing my heart out. And it makes me realize how far away that dream really is. And I just want to cry. I want to be an actress more than anything, and it's becoming more and more of a realization for me. I want to get out there and do it, but there's the lack of money, the lack of confidence. I love to sing, but I feel like I can't. And I know if I got out there to let my voice be heard I would probably be laughed at and then shot down.

I feel like it's never my turn to shine. I always let my friends do that. And I may sound selfish, but I would like to be noticed too. I'm so jealous of all of the actors on Glee. They're all remarkable! Their voices, their faces, their confidence, their talents. It almost seems unfair. And it makes me angry at myself for not being able to get out there and do it.

I wish my dad had more faith in me. Because he doesn't. He doesn't want me to act. And because he doesn't want me too, I've had to wait years to get out there and do it. Now, in 8 months, I'll be 18, and my chance to be a teen actor in the films or on TV will have been shot down. I mean, I'm still going to go for it, I hope, but I would have liked to start early.

Sigh.

I'm listening to "Rose's Turn" aka, "Kurt's Turn" and I couldn't agree with him more.

True Colors

So last night, I was on omegle chat. Which is just a chat you can have with random people. I got to talking to this person, male or female, I have no idea but they got me thinking about a lot of life things. Anything from discrimination, to pets. We talked about everything. And well, it led to this.

They said that being true to yourself is what gets you places. Confidence and such. But you’ll never really know your true self, because things will always be changing no matter what. Your likes your dislikes, your outlook on life your friends, everything is always changing.

But it got me thinking, yes everything will change. It always does at some point. But in the midst of all that, you can still be you. You can accept the fact that things will be changing. Or, you can choose to hate the fact and ignore the change.

I for one, plan to embrace change. I’m never happy with the way things are. Whether it is friendships, family, or even just my routine. I’m never happy. And I’ll never be satisfied unless there is some form of change in my life. Because I can allow myself to learn from past happenings and live the rest of the changes in a better way.

Old Ladies.

So today, me and a friend of mine went into McDonald's to kill some time. We ordered ice cream and we sat down at a window seat and we talked and ate and such. When we were finished, she went to the bathroom and I was cleaning up our table area, putting wrappers and spoons and empty ice cream containers onto our tray. And sitting next to us was a group of old ladies who had been sitting there for awhile. All of their trash was still on the table, which was like it was when my friend and I sat down to eat, so I figured why not. So I walked the short distance over to them and said, "Hi, since I'm heading to the trash can anyway, would you like me to throw all of this away for you?"

All of their faces lit up like a Christmas tree. They were like, "Oh yes!" and "Thank you so much!" One lady asked me, "What makes you so nice?" and like it was a different voice I said, "Oh I just have a whole lot of Jesus in my heart waiting to get out." The table was silent for a moment and I felt I said something wrong. Then another old lady said, "How hold are you sweety?" And I answered, "17 ma'am." Again the table was silent and all I wanted to do was turn and run away. The lady who'd spoken up first said, "You don't find many teenagers like you dear. You keep shining that light, and God bless you." I smiled and probably turned really red, and I walked away and through their trash away.

I've never felt so accomplished in my life. I feel like I made someone's day. And it makes my day.

It does sadden me however, that it has probably been years if ever that they had a young person say or do something like that. I feel like our generation is falling. And I long to pick it back up again...

Coming Clean.

I had a glorious thought today. =D I was at my youth group. Listening to the lyrics of the song The Stand. And I realized that I don't want to hold anything back. I'm sick of what the world is offering me and that I keep taking!

In my head for the longest time as been, "I guess second best is all I will know." Obviously this is pertaining to guys. BUT Is God second best? Did I really let a guy become so much a part of my life that I had to push everything else down? That I had to sacrifice my relationship with the only true friend I ever had? And I still feel there is an edge there and I know it was my doing. But it's time for me to undo it. No, I can't change time, but I can change how I perceive time. I CAN undo my thought pattern. Yes, I fell in love, yes I got my heart broken, yes as of late I am happy. BUT within all of that my perception of myself and the world around me was drastically changed. And I didn't even realize it. All because of one guy whom I let take control of me. I'm scared to even love again, and with that? I put God down on that list. I knew God loved me, but I didn't want to love him because my brain was so set on God giving me up too as everyone else in my life has done. But that's not going to happen! God sent his son to die for me. He has cast my sins as far as the east is from the west. He will forever love me and cherish me. And that's all I really need!

I've become so caught up in the crap of this world that I blocked out all the beautiful things. Which isn't a healthy thing to do. I was so blindsided by my depression that I couldn't see past my own misery. But I'm taking my own stand. I refuse to let my mind tell me things that aren't true. Yes a lot of crap has happened to me, and a lot of crap will happen to me. I can't stop it from happening, but I can stop the negative way I deal with it.

Will I ever love someone again? Who knows. But it scares the livin daylights out of me to even consider LIKING someone in that way. Maybe that will change one day maybe it won't. But right now at this very moment, I need to focus on the positive. And right now, that's God, my closest friends, my family, and my youth group. And that doesn't sound so bad to me right now. =]

Winning and Losing.

So my favorite TV show is Lost, and I have been watching old episodes recently, a lot. =] And there was a quote that inspired a blog! Which is why we're here right now. The quote was,

"Things have really been sucking for me lately, and I could really use a victory. So let's get one."

This is a both beautiful, and horrible quote. Why horrible? Because it's true. I know I love to dwell on the bad. Like, I don't have anyone I can have a heart to heart conversation with about what I really want to talk about because I'm scared of what they'll think. Or I'm not confident enough to go without a jacket, or how I wish I could pull off a dress. Or how I want to sing more, but actually like the sound of my voice. The list goes on and on, but you get my point. But the truth is, I know it's me who's holding ME back. No one else. ME. I should be confident, because I was created in God's image dangit. Why should I be insecure about that? I know I can go out there and get me a victory at any moment, but I'm letting my fear and my flesh get in the way. And it's making me physically and emotionally sick.

Life is pretty darn horrible at the moment. But I don't have to let that destroy MY mood! I have a RIGHT to be happy! I have a RIGHT to walk into a room with confidence. The people in my past don't matter. I'm here NOW. I made it through all of the destruction the world caused me so should I let it hold me back now?

I haven't answered these questions yet. But something tells me in the next few weeks, I will.

The Dance.

It's crazy how God can work in the most peculiar and mysterious ways. He usually reveals things to me through my dramas. I'm still learning things through the dramas I create, and that's what I love about them so much.

But today, I was lying in bed with my eyes closed, and my Ipod on shuffle. When a song came on that I adore but never really tried to write anything to it because it didn't seem like a good drama song. But I was lying there listening, and as soon as the music started, a scene began to play in my head, a dance. One of the most beautiful dance's I have ever seen. And God and I wrote it together. That's what makes it even better. I can't get over how amazing it is, because I don't dance. I want to, but I know nothing about it or anything, but this? Wow, I'm simply in awe of what God has done.

=D

Mommy Dearest.

Today was frightening. Most of you know that I've never been real mother daughter with my mom. She always makes promises she doesn't keep. She always talks about herself, and she can be just plain annoying sometimes. Not to mention rude.

But today I realized how much I truly loved her. We were sitting in my room talking and such, and she was sitting in a wooden chair with her feet propped up on my desk. And then suddenly, she jerked off the chair, and I mean JERKED off the chair, falling to the ground and her eyes were rolling back in her head. She was shaking, and she wouldn't answer me. I ran out to get my dad but she called me back in. She told me she didn't want him to know. I sat with her on the ground. She was shaking so bad, and my heart was racing. Because I realized at that moment that if she died, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to tell her I loved her. I haven't said it in so long. She ended up being okay, but I know its her cancer. She doesn't have insurance or the money to see a proper doctor. And the cancer has been with her for thirteen years. Its a type where it takes that long to develop, and it's too hard to stop once its there.

Its a frightening thing. And I just had to get my feelings out.

The Past, and the Future.

I logged onto myspace for the first time since like, ever. And I was just looking through old stuff. Pictures, bulletins, blogs, just old stuff. And I realized how much I really have changed. And that's for the better! Right?

But anyway, to the point of this, I was looking through my old truthbox, a lot of stuff made me cry, a lot made me think. But there was this one that really set my mind into warp speed.
"I used to think you were stuck up, but after reading your blogs I know you used that to cover up pain."

Now, what this made me think about exactly? Good question, because I can't fully wrap my mind around it. First I'm wondering how the heck could I be stuck up of all people, and then I started wondering about my old blogs. And I realized something. All of my old blogs, and all of my blogs now are just to clear my head. I can THINK better when I write. Everything sort of just flows out when I write. Because I'm horrible at talking in person about important things. So in person, I pretend everything is good. Put on a smile and they won't know anythings wrong right? Well now it seems they thought I was stuck up. Lol. And it just got me thinking, I've been pretending to be confident in everything I do. School, friends, life, even my drama. But the truth is, I'm scared to death about all of it. I cover up my real feelings with this 'I don't care' attitude. Or just trying to throw sarcastic remarks out there to be funny and make myself look Confident. But I'm not. Which is pathetic in a way. Lol.

But I'm learning how to be more confident in myself. I know now that to do that for real, I have to believe in myself. Which is hard to do, but I'm trying. I tried hard this past Wednesday and I think I did good.

I miss the old me. Who could carry on conversations with a random person for no reason. The one who wasn't scared to get up and make a fool of herself. And I'm starting to rediscover her. But in an all new light. I know I have always been one of the boys. But that doesn't mean I have to chase them too! I love video games. I love shooting guns. I love getting all muddied up. I love proving to guys I'm tougher than I look. And I realized that the world was trying to push me closer to guys because I wanted them. Truth is? I don't want them! I only want one man and I haven't met him yet. So until then, YES. I'm allowed to be one of the guys. And NO I'm not trying to flirt with them. I just want to be ME and for some reason the world has drawn me as a desperate whore. Well guess what world, you should update your system. Because I'm NOT.

I just would rather play football than get my nails done. =] Besides, who would want to get there nails done? Sorry but I have yet to meet someone who liked me for my nails...

Anyway, =]

Scars.

Those of you who know me, know that I always wear a jacket. Those of you who don't know me that well, probably are wondering why I wear a jacket in Florida heat.
I used to wear a jacket because I was insecure with myself. And I still do to a point, but the main reason I wear it is because of the scars I have on my arms. For those of you who don't know I used to be a cutter. Why? Because I needed something to be there, something to be constant in my life. Because everything always just came and went. And that was the only thing I had that I knew I could count on. Don't try to tell me otherwise because that's WHY I did it. It may sound crazy to you, but it's not to me.
I can proudly say I am over the cutting, do I still have urges? Yes, but I'm strong enough to say no to myself. Which is really hard to do.
I haven't cut for two months. And I'm proud of it. Because it used to be hard for me to go without it for a day.

But lately I realized something. They aren't scars at all. Scars are always taken as ugly or something to be ashamed of. And for the longest time I have been ashamed of my arms, and the scars that are on them. But that's the point isn't it? They are there to SHOW that I am an OVER COMER. They are there, and they prove it happened in the past and is not happening now. I like to call them beauty marks. Because it shows that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. These marks on my skin show to me and the world, that what I did made me a stronger person, and they made me who I am today. And now? I couldn't be more proud of them.

What happened, happened, everything happens for a reason.

Can't catch the mind.

Ever feel like you just don't belong? Like everyone around you is slipping away, like sand falling through your fingers. You can try and stop it, but it will still weasel its way out of your clenched fist and fall to the ground, where it belongs.
I'm trying to figure out where I belong in this world, because lately, I just haven't felt right anywhere. My head is swimming in thoughts that I can't pin point. I couldn't catch my mind even if I got a ten second head start. And it's really irritating.

I've always been terrified to confront people. Mainly this only happens when it's super important. And I wanna talk to this person, but I think I'm scared to find out the truth. What if they don't need me as much as I need them? What if it isn't us, but only me?
The future is coming in fast, and I've realized I've spent all my teenage years being a mother to my two younger siblings. Not that I'm complaining, I love them...
But I feel like I haven't even gotten the chance to be a kid. Pressures of helping to pay bills was thrusted on me when I was babysitting at thirteen. I've been taking care of my family since I was eleven. And now I'm seventeen. I'll be eighteen in 11 months. And it scares me to think that my childhood is coming to an end and I didn't even get to really live it.

It sucks.
Big ones.

Bury The Castle.

This song means so much to me it's insane. The words are so deep and inspiring. Some people who listen to it, don't quite understand the lyrics. I'm about to go through what they really mean.

"Go get your shovel, and we'll dig a deep hole, to bury the castle, bury the castle."

This lyric is the chorus. And one of the most powerful to me, what it's saying is very easy to understand, but the meaning behind it is what's amazing. Castles are known as and a symbol of fantasy. Princesses, Kings, and Queens. The age of royalty. Belle, Ariel, Aurora, Cinderella, all of these fairytale princesses. Make believe. The castle in this song symbolizes fantasy and childhood. Bury the castle means to put away the fantasies, the wishes of a world of your own, and accept the world you live in.

"She lives in a fairytale somewhere too far for us to find, forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she's left behind."

She lives in a world that she's created, sort of like Alice in Wonderland. The world she lives in has become so much apart of her, she's lost touch with reality.

"The angles are all wrong now she's ripping wings off of butterflies"

Butterflies stand for new beginnings, as it was once a caterpillar. What the song means by ripping wings off of butterflies, is she has lost all hope for new beginnings.

"One day he found her crying coiled up on the dirty ground, her prince finally came to save her and the rest you can figure out, but it was a trick and the clock struck twelve."

This lyric is very self explanatory. Prince Charming came to save his Princess finally. But it was a trick, because when the clock struck twelve, the magic, the realness, the beauty of it, was gone.

"Build your home brick by boring brick or the wolves are gonna blow it down."

This line goes very deep. It tells you to make sure you build your life right, with each boring detail, don't skip things, do it right, otherwise it'll all come crashing down around you.

"You built up a world of magic, because your real life is tragic."

Magic is make believe. As we all know, it is to make something appear as if it were real when it obviously isn't.

It's time for me to bury my castle. In less than a year I will be a legal adult. It's time for me to begin acting like one.

Realizations.

I've been learning so much about myself lately. And quite honestly, it's scaring me. But I think it's in a good way...
I've learned things I thought I wanted I don't, things I thought I loved, I don't like at all, people I thought I knew, are complete strangers. But, I think this is all okay, I think I'm finally on the path of moving forward and taking chances. Something I've been too scared to do for a very long time. I've been hiding behind this rock for so long, that it's time for me to step out in the sunshine again. People shouldn't be used to seeing me upset, they shouldn't expect to see me sad. They should see me as happy, and not the fake happy. The kind of happy where it just flows off of me in waves. That's who I used to be and I think I'm ready to be that person again.

Too long I've been stuck in the norm of this generation. I've always wanted to make a difference, here's my chance, and I'm going to take it.

Sure, I have a lot of things to get right, and fix, but that's all part of my life! I can't beat myself up over every screw up I make, because I'm going to make them. And for once, I think that's okay.. <3

-Insert clever title here-

Over the past few months, I've had quite a few people repeat to me the same thing, "You don't want to let love in." or "You're so scared of people loving you that when they do, you want to push yourself away from them, or stop talking to them as much." And it's the truth, which makes me want to punch myself in the face because I had to have PEOPLE tell me that, because I couldn't figure it out for myself! The truth is, I don't believe half of the people who tell me they love me, which is like that for anyone, I mean you have your few select people and there ya go, but me? Nah. I don't even have my select one. Well, I guess that's Brittany because I'd believe her if she told me it was raining llamas. But, with anyone else? I'm scared of them loving me. Even my family. Why? Maybe because I don't want people to love me? I know I'll let them down? I don't know.

But the other night, I had a really, REALLY, good time with friends. And I'm scared. I used to be open about the scars on my arms, or whatever. But, with them, I want to hide them even more. Because I'm worried. About? Hell if I know. But telling people about your past is a step into trusting them and them trusting you. It works both ways. And I am terrified to let that happen. Because I feel for the first time, I am being accepted outside of forcing myself into being accepted. Because ever since I've been going to this youth group, I have been terrified because of the amount of love that spills out of that place. Because I don't know whether to run to it or run away from it. It's like my feet are super glued to the ground in between. I've been praying and praying but it's hard to get that going when I have an on going battle in my head about where to run to. I'm always running to or from something. Always. I've tried to stop running, but then I begin running from running.

I'm sorry, this is turning out to look like the inside of my brain to me, like spaghetti. So I'll just end this.

Taylor Marie

Death.

Just recently, there was a death in the family. My grandmother passed away in her sleep at
the hospital she was staying at. She was the first family member, or friend, that I've ever
lost due to death. So not knowing how to react, I sat in my room, thinking. Not knowing
whether to cry, or laugh about the good times I had shared with her. What pains me the
most is the fact she wanted to see me, but I said no. Because I had to wait until she was
out of the hospital, because I wasn't going to be able to stand the smell or the white
walls, or the closed in echo-y rooms. Because I'm terrified of them. So I told her I'd
wait. And now she's gone, and I couldn't tell her I loved her.

I really don't understand death. I know that I sound like a child, but I really don't.
I'm guessing I don't understand it because I don't know how to react to it. She's gone.
GONE. It's hard to grasp. I've never had to think about funerals or any of that mess.
People considered me lucky, but no. I would rather have dealt with death when I was younger.
Because as bad as it sounds, at least I'd be almost used to it. I really don't know where
this is going, it just feels so good to get some thinking out of the way...

-Taylor Marie