The Past, and the Future.

I logged onto myspace for the first time since like, ever. And I was just looking through old stuff. Pictures, bulletins, blogs, just old stuff. And I realized how much I really have changed. And that's for the better! Right?

But anyway, to the point of this, I was looking through my old truthbox, a lot of stuff made me cry, a lot made me think. But there was this one that really set my mind into warp speed.
"I used to think you were stuck up, but after reading your blogs I know you used that to cover up pain."

Now, what this made me think about exactly? Good question, because I can't fully wrap my mind around it. First I'm wondering how the heck could I be stuck up of all people, and then I started wondering about my old blogs. And I realized something. All of my old blogs, and all of my blogs now are just to clear my head. I can THINK better when I write. Everything sort of just flows out when I write. Because I'm horrible at talking in person about important things. So in person, I pretend everything is good. Put on a smile and they won't know anythings wrong right? Well now it seems they thought I was stuck up. Lol. And it just got me thinking, I've been pretending to be confident in everything I do. School, friends, life, even my drama. But the truth is, I'm scared to death about all of it. I cover up my real feelings with this 'I don't care' attitude. Or just trying to throw sarcastic remarks out there to be funny and make myself look Confident. But I'm not. Which is pathetic in a way. Lol.

But I'm learning how to be more confident in myself. I know now that to do that for real, I have to believe in myself. Which is hard to do, but I'm trying. I tried hard this past Wednesday and I think I did good.

I miss the old me. Who could carry on conversations with a random person for no reason. The one who wasn't scared to get up and make a fool of herself. And I'm starting to rediscover her. But in an all new light. I know I have always been one of the boys. But that doesn't mean I have to chase them too! I love video games. I love shooting guns. I love getting all muddied up. I love proving to guys I'm tougher than I look. And I realized that the world was trying to push me closer to guys because I wanted them. Truth is? I don't want them! I only want one man and I haven't met him yet. So until then, YES. I'm allowed to be one of the guys. And NO I'm not trying to flirt with them. I just want to be ME and for some reason the world has drawn me as a desperate whore. Well guess what world, you should update your system. Because I'm NOT.

I just would rather play football than get my nails done. =] Besides, who would want to get there nails done? Sorry but I have yet to meet someone who liked me for my nails...

Anyway, =]