In my head for the longest time as been, "I guess second best is all I will know." Obviously this is pertaining to guys. BUT Is God second best? Did I really let a guy become so much a part of my life that I had to push everything else down? That I had to sacrifice my relationship with the only true friend I ever had? And I still feel there is an edge there and I know it was my doing. But it's time for me to undo it. No, I can't change time, but I can change how I perceive time. I CAN undo my thought pattern. Yes, I fell in love, yes I got my heart broken, yes as of late I am happy. BUT within all of that my perception of myself and the world around me was drastically changed. And I didn't even realize it. All because of one guy whom I let take control of me. I'm scared to even love again, and with that? I put God down on that list. I knew God loved me, but I didn't want to love him because my brain was so set on God giving me up too as everyone else in my life has done. But that's not going to happen! God sent his son to die for me. He has cast my sins as far as the east is from the west. He will forever love me and cherish me. And that's all I really need!
I've become so caught up in the crap of this world that I blocked out all the beautiful things. Which isn't a healthy thing to do. I was so blindsided by my depression that I couldn't see past my own misery. But I'm taking my own stand. I refuse to let my mind tell me things that aren't true. Yes a lot of crap has happened to me, and a lot of crap will happen to me. I can't stop it from happening, but I can stop the negative way I deal with it.
Will I ever love someone again? Who knows. But it scares the livin daylights out of me to even consider LIKING someone in that way. Maybe that will change one day maybe it won't. But right now at this very moment, I need to focus on the positive. And right now, that's God, my closest friends, my family, and my youth group. And that doesn't sound so bad to me right now. =]
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