To you.

Dear future husband. It's amazing to think that I can look up at the sun, or the sky, or the stars, and know that somewhere you see the same ones. It's crazy. And it almost scares me, because I have to question if you see them with the same interest and beauty that I do.

I'm scared that you aren't going to appreciate my past. That that's all you see. Or what if, because I want to be an actress, I decide I don't have time for a marriage, and so I wind up never meeting you?

I'm scared of telling you all of my fears, my thoughts. I'm scared of giving you my heart. I'm worried that it won't be enough for you. Because it isn't whole anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart is even there at all.

People have told me recently that I have a pure and beautiful heart. But I don't see it, if only they knew half of the things I've done. And you will have to learn those things on our journey through life together.

I;m terrified that I'll lose you. And I fear that that fear will control my mind and my heart as it did with Daniel.

I'm scared that I won't be satisfied with you. Because, I'm never happy in one thing for too long. I think that's part of the reason I want to be an actress. Because I get to experience so many different aspects of life. And what if you don't respect that?

What if I can't give you children? That's the number one thing I want the most, and I'm worried I won't be able to give them to you. And I will end up having to tell you the reason why.

I'm afraid to lose you and you aren't even mine to lose yet. Because at the same time that I have all of these fears, I pray and desperately hope that you will look past them and see what I truly want, and what I truly need, because, I know you'll be the only person who does so. The only person who will love me unconditionally. They only person who lets me vent about me once in awhile. The only person to understand.

I ask God every day to send you my way. But then I realize that I'm not ready for you. Because I'm hardly ready for myself.

-Taylor

Give them love and what does it get ya?

I was talking to my little sister tonight, and somehow we got on the subject of missing people. And she said, "I've never missed anybody before." And jokingly I put in, "Aw, so you've never missed me before?" And she just shook her head and said, "No, I just don't miss people."

I was a little thrown off by the fact that she was dead serious. So I asked, "You've never missed anybody? Ever?" And she shook her head. So I said, "You'll miss me when I move out." And she looked at me like, Are you joking? And she said, "No, I probably won't like I said, I don't miss people." And I said, "But you'd miss me if I died." And she didn't say anything...So I said, "Wouldn't you?" And she said, "I just don't think it's possible for me to miss anyone."

This just PROVES that everything I do around this house is for nothing. Everything I have ever done for her even if she doesn't realize it. I make her lunch nearly everyday. I do all kinds of crap for her, never even bothering to ask for a thank you. And I've learned not to expect one. But this? I mean come on! I even asked her if she missed our Grandma who passed away in March. She said she didn't even notice.

I could cry, but I'm still in complete and utter shock. There was a part of me that was hoping I was wrong in the fact that I wouldn't be missed when I moved out. I kept telling myself when Alora and Jerry didn't have me around they would stop treating me like dirt and realize all I do for them.

It kills me that I was wrong.

Songs

Here are some song lyrics that mean a whole lot to me right now...

Kurt's Turn - From Glee - Also known as Rose's Turn - Here

It Must Have Been Love - Redone by Maria Mena - Here

Defying Gravity - Wicked - Idina Menzel - Here

Bruised and Scarred - Mayday Parade - Here

The Silence - Mayday Parade - Here

I saved the best for last.

Dear Agony - Breaking Benjamin - Here

There are a lot more, but I don't think anyone will even read all of these sooo yea. :)

Waiting for the Day...

I'm waiting for the day someone sees me for me.

I'm waiting for the day when things about myself are not assumed, as I am changing every day.

I'm waiting for the day when someone notices I am changing.

I'm waiting for the day someone can finally relate to me.

I'm waiting for the day someone compliments my singing voice.

I'm waiting for the day when someone appreciates the little things I can do.

I'm waiting for the day I can write my own song.

I'm waiting for the day where I inspire someone.

I'm waiting for the day for someone to see how far I have come.

I'm waiting for the day people stop calling me 'kid' or 'kiddo'

I'm waiting for the day when people realize I am more like them than they know.

I'm waiting for the day when I don't have to be someone else's kind of perfect.

I'm waiting for the day someone tells me I'm beautiful without reason.

I'm waiting for the day I have the courage to do what I want.

I'm waiting for the day when I'm loved unconditionally.

I'm waiting for the day I can start fresh with a good friend.

I'm waiting for the day where my family realizes how much I've sacrificed.

I'm waiting for the day I can sleep again.

I'm waiting for the day when I am able to speak my mind like I used too.

I'm waiting for the day I can tell people what really happened in my relationship with Daniel.

I'm waiting for the day people realize my past is my past.

I'm waiting for the day people let me be myself.

I'm waiting for the day I get my chance.

I'm waiting for the day when someone can rescue me.

Am I selfish? No. Sorry if it did sound selfish, it wasn't intended. I'm just tired of always being the one to listen or the one to be counted on. I'm tired of people assuming how 'immature' I am... If they really knew me, they would realize I have changed. And I am older than I used to be. I'm just tired of nobody giving me credit...-sigh- I'm starting to annoy myself.

Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?

Geeze! Haha, yea, no raining on my parade. Get it got it good. ;)

I'm tired of only settling what this world is offering. If I want something by golly I am gonna go out and get it for myself! Because there is so much excitement in this world, and I have to be apart of it. It's like saying this world is juicy and I have to have my bite. ;)

Fo sho.

I'm ready to be everything God has intended for me and more. I'm ready to be the light I am meant to be. And I cannot wait. This is all so exciting! :D

Missing Out

So since Lost ended this year, I have been on a hunt to find my new favorite show. And after watching the first whole season of Glee within a week, I've concluded that it is now my favorite. Everything about it is awesome. The music, the characters, everything. Especially Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel.

But also, it breaks my heart. Because they are doing everything I can only dream about. I long to be on a TV Show, and sing my heart out. And it makes me realize how far away that dream really is. And I just want to cry. I want to be an actress more than anything, and it's becoming more and more of a realization for me. I want to get out there and do it, but there's the lack of money, the lack of confidence. I love to sing, but I feel like I can't. And I know if I got out there to let my voice be heard I would probably be laughed at and then shot down.

I feel like it's never my turn to shine. I always let my friends do that. And I may sound selfish, but I would like to be noticed too. I'm so jealous of all of the actors on Glee. They're all remarkable! Their voices, their faces, their confidence, their talents. It almost seems unfair. And it makes me angry at myself for not being able to get out there and do it.

I wish my dad had more faith in me. Because he doesn't. He doesn't want me to act. And because he doesn't want me too, I've had to wait years to get out there and do it. Now, in 8 months, I'll be 18, and my chance to be a teen actor in the films or on TV will have been shot down. I mean, I'm still going to go for it, I hope, but I would have liked to start early.

Sigh.

I'm listening to "Rose's Turn" aka, "Kurt's Turn" and I couldn't agree with him more.

True Colors

So last night, I was on omegle chat. Which is just a chat you can have with random people. I got to talking to this person, male or female, I have no idea but they got me thinking about a lot of life things. Anything from discrimination, to pets. We talked about everything. And well, it led to this.

They said that being true to yourself is what gets you places. Confidence and such. But you’ll never really know your true self, because things will always be changing no matter what. Your likes your dislikes, your outlook on life your friends, everything is always changing.

But it got me thinking, yes everything will change. It always does at some point. But in the midst of all that, you can still be you. You can accept the fact that things will be changing. Or, you can choose to hate the fact and ignore the change.

I for one, plan to embrace change. I’m never happy with the way things are. Whether it is friendships, family, or even just my routine. I’m never happy. And I’ll never be satisfied unless there is some form of change in my life. Because I can allow myself to learn from past happenings and live the rest of the changes in a better way.

Old Ladies.

So today, me and a friend of mine went into McDonald's to kill some time. We ordered ice cream and we sat down at a window seat and we talked and ate and such. When we were finished, she went to the bathroom and I was cleaning up our table area, putting wrappers and spoons and empty ice cream containers onto our tray. And sitting next to us was a group of old ladies who had been sitting there for awhile. All of their trash was still on the table, which was like it was when my friend and I sat down to eat, so I figured why not. So I walked the short distance over to them and said, "Hi, since I'm heading to the trash can anyway, would you like me to throw all of this away for you?"

All of their faces lit up like a Christmas tree. They were like, "Oh yes!" and "Thank you so much!" One lady asked me, "What makes you so nice?" and like it was a different voice I said, "Oh I just have a whole lot of Jesus in my heart waiting to get out." The table was silent for a moment and I felt I said something wrong. Then another old lady said, "How hold are you sweety?" And I answered, "17 ma'am." Again the table was silent and all I wanted to do was turn and run away. The lady who'd spoken up first said, "You don't find many teenagers like you dear. You keep shining that light, and God bless you." I smiled and probably turned really red, and I walked away and through their trash away.

I've never felt so accomplished in my life. I feel like I made someone's day. And it makes my day.

It does sadden me however, that it has probably been years if ever that they had a young person say or do something like that. I feel like our generation is falling. And I long to pick it back up again...

Coming Clean.

I had a glorious thought today. =D I was at my youth group. Listening to the lyrics of the song The Stand. And I realized that I don't want to hold anything back. I'm sick of what the world is offering me and that I keep taking!

In my head for the longest time as been, "I guess second best is all I will know." Obviously this is pertaining to guys. BUT Is God second best? Did I really let a guy become so much a part of my life that I had to push everything else down? That I had to sacrifice my relationship with the only true friend I ever had? And I still feel there is an edge there and I know it was my doing. But it's time for me to undo it. No, I can't change time, but I can change how I perceive time. I CAN undo my thought pattern. Yes, I fell in love, yes I got my heart broken, yes as of late I am happy. BUT within all of that my perception of myself and the world around me was drastically changed. And I didn't even realize it. All because of one guy whom I let take control of me. I'm scared to even love again, and with that? I put God down on that list. I knew God loved me, but I didn't want to love him because my brain was so set on God giving me up too as everyone else in my life has done. But that's not going to happen! God sent his son to die for me. He has cast my sins as far as the east is from the west. He will forever love me and cherish me. And that's all I really need!

I've become so caught up in the crap of this world that I blocked out all the beautiful things. Which isn't a healthy thing to do. I was so blindsided by my depression that I couldn't see past my own misery. But I'm taking my own stand. I refuse to let my mind tell me things that aren't true. Yes a lot of crap has happened to me, and a lot of crap will happen to me. I can't stop it from happening, but I can stop the negative way I deal with it.

Will I ever love someone again? Who knows. But it scares the livin daylights out of me to even consider LIKING someone in that way. Maybe that will change one day maybe it won't. But right now at this very moment, I need to focus on the positive. And right now, that's God, my closest friends, my family, and my youth group. And that doesn't sound so bad to me right now. =]