Missions Trip

So my youth group is going on a Mission's Trip. And I'm going and I must say I am utterly terrified. I don't even know why. I was all fine and dandy with going and now I'm just like..AH!

I wish I could pen point the reason as to why I have this feeling. Maybe it's because I have never done anything like this. I dunno. All I know is I'm nervous beyond comprehension.

My dad has been asking me if I want to back out because I can't even eat I'm so nervous. But I do feel like I'm supposed to be there. Maybe this will be a huge step for me, so that part I'm excited for. And I probably sound like a broken record, but I am still scared. Haha. But the point of this is to ask for prayer. Because I'm going to be needing it this weekend and then next week. :D

This week is going to be very interesting indeed.

Life.

I wish I could find words to express how I am feeling at this moment in time. I'm almost too happy for words. And I hardly know why. I do believe that's the best part.

A blog I posted forever ago titled, "Waiting for the Day" had a comment on it. And I've taken that comment into much consideration.

I've been writing monologues now. Granted that half of them end up in the trash but still it's a start! Dramas have been pouring out of me recently and it's so exciting. I also want to start making videos. Filming them and such. Because I have some ideas in my head that are just too elaborate and amazing for stage. :) And I have some good ideas. I just need a HD camera. Which I am looking at one and I'm hoping I can get it by the end of this year.

God is really showing in my work and it's so exciting. I feel like he's the writer and I'm the pen, and it's one of the greatest feelings I have ever had.

I've also come to a lot of life changing conclusions that I don't like but I have to handle. And a lot of you won't like them either, but it's what I need write now. :)

The point is, I'm happy. And that's that. :D

Lost

I have had so many people ask me lately, 'Why are you so obsessed with Lost?' 'Isn't Lost over? You're re-watching it? Why?'

I've decided to give everyone my reasonings for watching Lost. If it does not make sense to you...I don't care.

When I began watching this show I loved it from the first episode. Why? It was captivating. It grabbed me and sucked me into it and I couldn't stop. It started out as such a normal good show for me. And then I saw the episode titled 'Walkabout' it shows a character by the name of John Locke in a wheelchair. But once he lands on the island, BAM, he can walk. And the moment he stood was such a heart stopping thing for me. It was just WOW.

And then more and more episodes that I watched, had more and more heart racing moments. There was a drug addict, who was having major withdrawals, and he had a packet of heroine. Someone told him he could ask him back for his heroine three times. And on the third, he'd give it to him. Well, Charlie, the druggie, asked him three times. On the third, he threw it into the fire. It was beautiful.

Then there was a couple, a korean couple, who seemed to have a really bad marriage. The husband always told her to cover up, button up your top, all that other stuff. On one episode, she was swimming in the ocean in a bikini, he got really mad and told her to never do that again and he covered her up with a thin cloth. Well, events unrolled and at the end of that episode, she stood there, on the beach, with the cloth wrapped around her. The wind picked up and she let the cloth fly away and the camera went down from her head to her feet and she was wearing that bikini. She was showing she was standing up for herself. It was beautiful.

I could go on and on about stuff like this but I'll get to my point.

All of the survivors of oceanic 815 were not there by accident. They were brought there for a reason. And as the show unfolds, so does that reason. What I find most wonderful, is they were all given a second chance. A chance to start over, get their lives back, on the island. And I realized how much I would kill to be in one of their shoes.

I won't get into the details, in case you're reading this and you've never seen Lost and there is a chance you might. But this show for me was more than just a show. It helped me believe in the fact that everything does happen for a reason. And even though you have had a horrible past, you do have a purpose, you ARE needed for a greater purpose, and that to me is something worth believing in.

This show has taught me so much. It's taught me about stopping temptation, about loving someone, about accepting the fact that you're different. About life in general. I don't expect most people to understand, because some people are probably like, wow Taylor this is sad, it's just a frikin TV Show. No, no it's not. It's so much more than that.

I could tell you over and over again how beautiful this show is, but I won't. I just wanted you to understand what this show has done for me. Even if I didn't really make sense, at least you know pieces of why. Watch it, and maybe you'll be able to put those pieces together.

Step in the right Direction.

Daniel called me this morning at around 4. We talked for two hours.

For those of you who have no idea who I am talking about, Daniel is my ex. My most recent one. Someone who I gave everything to, and loved with everything in me. I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year. And then this morning he calls me because he had a horrible night mare and I was the only one he knew would listen.

The nightmare was about me. And he described it in detail. He then began crying. I told him we didn't have to talk about it anymore and we just talked about random crap. He then apologized for everything, and then I did some apologizing as well.

The point is, when we got off the phone, I realized I didn't feel anything. It was just like a friend talking to a friend. I didn't start thinking about how much I missed him, I didn't start wanting him back...I didn't even get those stupid butterflies at the sound of his voice.

And I realized that phone call was a test for me. And I do believe I passed with flying colors. xD

The World.

"Just because you don't understand the mechanics of how something works, doesn't make it any less of a miracle."

This quote is one of the most beautiful quotes I have ever heard. Life to me, is so amazing. I mean, let's think about this for a minute.

We are alive. We have little nerves and muscles in our bodies that send messages to our brains to move. We are able to send messages to our brain on how to do anything. But it feels like we just do it! I can't explain how awesome this is to me...

And then we have two eyes, where we can SEE the world! The grass, the trees, the skies. It's all there for us to look through these little balls in our heads and SEE.

Then we have these two ears that draw in sound. The ocean, music, animals. It's so amazing!

And then we're able to TALK. To just speak words out loud by just opening our mouths and being able to just SAY things...It's crazy!

I can't get into all of it because I could go for hours. I just thought I would share the beauty of all this.

I know science explains how all of this works, but only to an extent...God has created all of this. He's made this happen by just a wave of His hand! It's a miracle. YOU are a miracle. <333

:D I'm so happy I could scream.

How I long for the day to be an actress. <3 I want to experience every part of it that I can! Movies, television, commercials, Broadway, stage, all of it! And I am so gosh darn excited for it!

Top 5 Dream Roles : (not in any specific order, I can't pick which should be first!)

1 - Eliza Dolittle from My Fair Lady
2 - Jane Porter from Tarzan. I love this new musical!
3 - Ariel from the Littler Mermaid. Favorite ever!
4 - Belle from Beauty and the Beast. This is such a beautiful story!
5 - Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd. She's such a marvelous character.

And there are so many more, trust me. xD

I think I'd rather be in television more than movies. For the simple fact you bond with the cast more. xD I just love acting so much. And I'd much rather be in older styled ones rather than the new ones. xD

I can't wait to be the actress God has called me to be.. <3 And on top of all this, I'll be a drama minister!!!

I'm ready for this life of mine to get started!

I hate that...

I hate that I'm becoming more and more terrified of marriage every day.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I don't have a family who will support me no matter what.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that my life is falling apart and ripping at the seems.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I can't take control over my own temptations.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I can't look myself in the eyes when I look into a mirror.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I have learned to never expect a thank you.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I'm struggling with so much at one time.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I don't have a mom that will listen to me.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I regret half of my life.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I can never speak my opinion as freely as I want to.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that my own therapist no longer has time for me.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I have to see a therapist.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that no one even knew I was seeing a therapist.

I hate that I HAD no one to tell that too.

I hate that I feel alone in this world.

I hate I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I have to get my feelings out in a blog.

I hate that I have no one to tell that too.

I hate that I'll never have that late night, movie watching, chocolate ice cream eating movie night with a girl.

I hate that I don't have a best friend.

I hate the fact that I'm worried about every little detail. I hate that I have to sit here at 3 in the morning and cry. I feel like everyone has just slipped away. I used to have someone who saw me struggling. Who asked if I was okay even with the biggest smile on my face.

Either I've gotten really good at acting, or no one really cares enough to look for it anymore.

And I especially hate the fact that I can be doing so good in my life, and then BAM, another freakin obstacle in the road.

I want so much more than this provincial life, but I fear I'll never amount to anything.

I hate that I have no one to tell this too.