Winning and Losing.

So my favorite TV show is Lost, and I have been watching old episodes recently, a lot. =] And there was a quote that inspired a blog! Which is why we're here right now. The quote was,

"Things have really been sucking for me lately, and I could really use a victory. So let's get one."

This is a both beautiful, and horrible quote. Why horrible? Because it's true. I know I love to dwell on the bad. Like, I don't have anyone I can have a heart to heart conversation with about what I really want to talk about because I'm scared of what they'll think. Or I'm not confident enough to go without a jacket, or how I wish I could pull off a dress. Or how I want to sing more, but actually like the sound of my voice. The list goes on and on, but you get my point. But the truth is, I know it's me who's holding ME back. No one else. ME. I should be confident, because I was created in God's image dangit. Why should I be insecure about that? I know I can go out there and get me a victory at any moment, but I'm letting my fear and my flesh get in the way. And it's making me physically and emotionally sick.

Life is pretty darn horrible at the moment. But I don't have to let that destroy MY mood! I have a RIGHT to be happy! I have a RIGHT to walk into a room with confidence. The people in my past don't matter. I'm here NOW. I made it through all of the destruction the world caused me so should I let it hold me back now?

I haven't answered these questions yet. But something tells me in the next few weeks, I will.

The Dance.

It's crazy how God can work in the most peculiar and mysterious ways. He usually reveals things to me through my dramas. I'm still learning things through the dramas I create, and that's what I love about them so much.

But today, I was lying in bed with my eyes closed, and my Ipod on shuffle. When a song came on that I adore but never really tried to write anything to it because it didn't seem like a good drama song. But I was lying there listening, and as soon as the music started, a scene began to play in my head, a dance. One of the most beautiful dance's I have ever seen. And God and I wrote it together. That's what makes it even better. I can't get over how amazing it is, because I don't dance. I want to, but I know nothing about it or anything, but this? Wow, I'm simply in awe of what God has done.

=D

Mommy Dearest.

Today was frightening. Most of you know that I've never been real mother daughter with my mom. She always makes promises she doesn't keep. She always talks about herself, and she can be just plain annoying sometimes. Not to mention rude.

But today I realized how much I truly loved her. We were sitting in my room talking and such, and she was sitting in a wooden chair with her feet propped up on my desk. And then suddenly, she jerked off the chair, and I mean JERKED off the chair, falling to the ground and her eyes were rolling back in her head. She was shaking, and she wouldn't answer me. I ran out to get my dad but she called me back in. She told me she didn't want him to know. I sat with her on the ground. She was shaking so bad, and my heart was racing. Because I realized at that moment that if she died, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to tell her I loved her. I haven't said it in so long. She ended up being okay, but I know its her cancer. She doesn't have insurance or the money to see a proper doctor. And the cancer has been with her for thirteen years. Its a type where it takes that long to develop, and it's too hard to stop once its there.

Its a frightening thing. And I just had to get my feelings out.

The Past, and the Future.

I logged onto myspace for the first time since like, ever. And I was just looking through old stuff. Pictures, bulletins, blogs, just old stuff. And I realized how much I really have changed. And that's for the better! Right?

But anyway, to the point of this, I was looking through my old truthbox, a lot of stuff made me cry, a lot made me think. But there was this one that really set my mind into warp speed.
"I used to think you were stuck up, but after reading your blogs I know you used that to cover up pain."

Now, what this made me think about exactly? Good question, because I can't fully wrap my mind around it. First I'm wondering how the heck could I be stuck up of all people, and then I started wondering about my old blogs. And I realized something. All of my old blogs, and all of my blogs now are just to clear my head. I can THINK better when I write. Everything sort of just flows out when I write. Because I'm horrible at talking in person about important things. So in person, I pretend everything is good. Put on a smile and they won't know anythings wrong right? Well now it seems they thought I was stuck up. Lol. And it just got me thinking, I've been pretending to be confident in everything I do. School, friends, life, even my drama. But the truth is, I'm scared to death about all of it. I cover up my real feelings with this 'I don't care' attitude. Or just trying to throw sarcastic remarks out there to be funny and make myself look Confident. But I'm not. Which is pathetic in a way. Lol.

But I'm learning how to be more confident in myself. I know now that to do that for real, I have to believe in myself. Which is hard to do, but I'm trying. I tried hard this past Wednesday and I think I did good.

I miss the old me. Who could carry on conversations with a random person for no reason. The one who wasn't scared to get up and make a fool of herself. And I'm starting to rediscover her. But in an all new light. I know I have always been one of the boys. But that doesn't mean I have to chase them too! I love video games. I love shooting guns. I love getting all muddied up. I love proving to guys I'm tougher than I look. And I realized that the world was trying to push me closer to guys because I wanted them. Truth is? I don't want them! I only want one man and I haven't met him yet. So until then, YES. I'm allowed to be one of the guys. And NO I'm not trying to flirt with them. I just want to be ME and for some reason the world has drawn me as a desperate whore. Well guess what world, you should update your system. Because I'm NOT.

I just would rather play football than get my nails done. =] Besides, who would want to get there nails done? Sorry but I have yet to meet someone who liked me for my nails...

Anyway, =]

Scars.

Those of you who know me, know that I always wear a jacket. Those of you who don't know me that well, probably are wondering why I wear a jacket in Florida heat.
I used to wear a jacket because I was insecure with myself. And I still do to a point, but the main reason I wear it is because of the scars I have on my arms. For those of you who don't know I used to be a cutter. Why? Because I needed something to be there, something to be constant in my life. Because everything always just came and went. And that was the only thing I had that I knew I could count on. Don't try to tell me otherwise because that's WHY I did it. It may sound crazy to you, but it's not to me.
I can proudly say I am over the cutting, do I still have urges? Yes, but I'm strong enough to say no to myself. Which is really hard to do.
I haven't cut for two months. And I'm proud of it. Because it used to be hard for me to go without it for a day.

But lately I realized something. They aren't scars at all. Scars are always taken as ugly or something to be ashamed of. And for the longest time I have been ashamed of my arms, and the scars that are on them. But that's the point isn't it? They are there to SHOW that I am an OVER COMER. They are there, and they prove it happened in the past and is not happening now. I like to call them beauty marks. Because it shows that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. These marks on my skin show to me and the world, that what I did made me a stronger person, and they made me who I am today. And now? I couldn't be more proud of them.

What happened, happened, everything happens for a reason.