A pile of ashes.

I remember when I first met you,
At the Homecoming football game.
The first thing I noticed was that your eyes were blue.
You told me your name,
I told you mine.
We left, not knowing if we'd meet again.
That very night, you found me online.
And we talked for hours upon end.
You asked if I could be yours,
I smiled and told you I'd love to be.
For months we learned about each other,
Our hopes, fears, dreams, and what made us happy.
We became so close, I knew we'd never seperate,
We were like the sun and moon,
We needed each other to survive, never to become desolate
Little did I know, we would fall soon.
We grew apart
Day after day
Wishing for a brand new start
Hoping for a brighter day.
I gave you all I had, in hopes that would suffice
But you gave up, and left without a thought.
I tried to win you back, but in doing so paid a price.
You killed me with your words, making me distraught.
I fell into hold habits,
Hurting myself to find peace.
Creating more and more secrets,
To hide my unhealthy form of release.
It was relief I felt,
When the blade crossed my skin.
Relief no other could have dealt.
I enveloped myself in my own form of sin.
Day after day I fell deeper into my own hole,
Trying to find a way out
Looking for a loophole
A way out of my doubt.
Doubt that I would ever be myself again,
Doubt I was worth anything
Doubt that I would never love again
Doubt that nothing could stop this aching.
Then, like a beautiful bright light,
God spoke out to me.
He said, 'There is no need to fear, for I am with you.' I knew then, it would all be alright.
Slowly, day by day, I became what is now me.
Growing stronger and stronger everyday.
Becoming who I was born to be.
To explain how I felt understanding my purpose in this world, is nothing I can say.
But what I can show you
As you watch me grow,
In the one and only God who will never forsake you.
Then there will be no explaining to be done, you'll just know.
I know now, I loved him for a reason.
That reason I will not know till the time is right,
And when it is, it will be a new season,
A season, that I can actually get right.

He used to only be a bunch of memories in a box,
Now he's a pile of ashes.

The inspiration for this? Yesterday, (well now, two days ago.) On the 19th of August was the mark of one year being single. And on the 20th, I burned the evidence. I had planned on only burning a few of the things, but an angry streak broke out in me and I burned it all. Pictures, a T-Shirt, letters from him, letters to him, a bear, a CD. I burned it all. And I haven't felt this free in so long. Watching them burn one at a time was a huge accomplishment. Watching the words he wrote to me shrivel up and die was an experience I almost wish I could relive. :)

All I know is I am free of the relationship. Forever. And I couldn't be happier. :)

Wanting it all.

So I know God has called me to be an actress. He's spoken to me and to others, and I just know it. And don't get me wrong, it is my passion beyond anything else! I love it so so much, and I can't wait to get more into it.

Today I started thinking about why I wanted to become an actress before I heard from God. Because before I even cared about God I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to get out there and be in films, be on broadway and all that other good stuff. But for some reason i just started wondering, WHY did I want to do this so bad? Why do I want to do this so bad? And, well, I got my answer.

Apart from being an actress, I have always had other dreams. A vet, a forensics specialist, an FBI agent, a profiler for the FBI, a writer, a singer, a dancer, I've always wanted to go back to The Middle Ages. Be a queen, a princess, a servant girl. A kidnap victim. The villain. I've always wanted it all, and I realized, like a slap in the face, an actress gets the chance to do all of that! Someone once told me I was a very diverse actor. I can go from one thing and switch the another as fast as turning a switch on or off. And that is without a doubt on my top list of favorite compliments. Being and actress, I get to experience all of that but still live my life in the world around me. It's an amazing feeling, and I find it so funny that with all of these desires of my heart, God gave me the perfect career for it. <3 He is SO awesome!!! :D

All I have to say is....

God is AWESOME. :D

Did you know we're supposed to rejoice in our times of sorrow? That we are supposed to actually think of these hard times as a blessing from God? I never grasped this concept until twenty minutes ago. I just got back from an incredible week, and Satan is really trying to tear me down! Today I was in sort of a funk, and I just didn't see the point in anything. But I opened my bible and I read James, my favorite book EVER. That book starts out by saying this:

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

For the longest time this confused me. But then God broke it down for me. :D
We are supposed to rejoice in our times of trouble because God sent them our way. He never gives us too much to handle, so we are able to fire back at satan with our own ammo because we have the Holy Spirit inside of us! Because God is testing our faith so that we can grow more in HIM! It then goes on to say that when our endurance is fully developed we'll be perfect, complete, and needing nothing. I figured, well geeze God hurry this up so that I can need nothing and be super content with my life.

But the troubles don't just STOP. God took 7 days to create the world and it's wonders. But he's taking your entire life to mold and shape you, so your life will be difficult. It may even get worse, but God is only molding you and shaping you to be the person He has destined you to be!

So when you feel there is nothing to smile at, smile at THAT!

Miami Outreach 2010

I feel spiritually, physically, and emotionally renewed! And it's awesome!

The week of July 26th - July 31st was one of the greatest experiences I have ever had! I apologize in advance if I don't make much sense, for the simple fact it's so hard to find words with what I experienced.

I've realized how much I take for granted. Being outside in the heat for long periods of time and then going right back into AC is a BLESSING. The family's we saw and witnessed to don't get the chance to go back into AC, they have to sit in that heat 24/7. But we can just talk about how hot it is outside from the comfortable AC in our home. :(

Another thing, today my sister and brother and I went outside for some "exploring in the woods" the entire time, they were saying how hot it was and such, but it didn't really phase me, because, well I can't explain why. My guess is simply because of what I saw and how I felt all week. Sweating all day and on the go at all times...That was nothing compared to what most people go through.

I can honestly say that I wasn't expecting anything that happened. On Monday, I was just like yea this gonna be good. And then Tuesday, walking through Liberty City and giving out stuff and just talking with people, and telling them about the party we'd be having, and seeing the ways that they lived, and knowing that wasn't even the worst of it. Some people were excited about it too. There was one family with these three kids who translated for their mom, and they were so excited, and I saw them there! :D It was a good feeling to know we made a difference.

And then we went to South Beach and prayed for people. Some people thought it was really weird that we'd be praying for them. But some wanted it more than anything, you could see it in their eyes. And it was nice to know we were a blessing to them.

Also, on Thursday night, I was prayed for. And I'd go into detail but there will more than likely be a separate blog. So I'll just say this, this guy was speaking straight from God. He knew something that I've never told anyone, that I'd hardly admitted to myself. He spoke of a desire of my heart that I've always kept to myself, and that was the FIRST thing he said! So as you can imagine, the rest was pretty amazing, God is AWESOME.

All I know is I have a new perspective on Life. I'm content with myself, with where I'm at with what I'll be doing in the future. No money or loads of it. I'm content. Something I haven't been since 5th grade. :D

I love God. And I live Him more and more everyday. I've never felt so at peace! :D This is just all too wonderful.

Tomorrow is Wednesday!!!! I can't wait for The Movement!!!!!! :D :D :D

I'm ready to get my worship on. :D Even though I've worshiped every day in my room, I want more. :D

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."