Can't catch the mind.

Ever feel like you just don't belong? Like everyone around you is slipping away, like sand falling through your fingers. You can try and stop it, but it will still weasel its way out of your clenched fist and fall to the ground, where it belongs.
I'm trying to figure out where I belong in this world, because lately, I just haven't felt right anywhere. My head is swimming in thoughts that I can't pin point. I couldn't catch my mind even if I got a ten second head start. And it's really irritating.

I've always been terrified to confront people. Mainly this only happens when it's super important. And I wanna talk to this person, but I think I'm scared to find out the truth. What if they don't need me as much as I need them? What if it isn't us, but only me?
The future is coming in fast, and I've realized I've spent all my teenage years being a mother to my two younger siblings. Not that I'm complaining, I love them...
But I feel like I haven't even gotten the chance to be a kid. Pressures of helping to pay bills was thrusted on me when I was babysitting at thirteen. I've been taking care of my family since I was eleven. And now I'm seventeen. I'll be eighteen in 11 months. And it scares me to think that my childhood is coming to an end and I didn't even get to really live it.

It sucks.
Big ones.

Bury The Castle.

This song means so much to me it's insane. The words are so deep and inspiring. Some people who listen to it, don't quite understand the lyrics. I'm about to go through what they really mean.

"Go get your shovel, and we'll dig a deep hole, to bury the castle, bury the castle."

This lyric is the chorus. And one of the most powerful to me, what it's saying is very easy to understand, but the meaning behind it is what's amazing. Castles are known as and a symbol of fantasy. Princesses, Kings, and Queens. The age of royalty. Belle, Ariel, Aurora, Cinderella, all of these fairytale princesses. Make believe. The castle in this song symbolizes fantasy and childhood. Bury the castle means to put away the fantasies, the wishes of a world of your own, and accept the world you live in.

"She lives in a fairytale somewhere too far for us to find, forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she's left behind."

She lives in a world that she's created, sort of like Alice in Wonderland. The world she lives in has become so much apart of her, she's lost touch with reality.

"The angles are all wrong now she's ripping wings off of butterflies"

Butterflies stand for new beginnings, as it was once a caterpillar. What the song means by ripping wings off of butterflies, is she has lost all hope for new beginnings.

"One day he found her crying coiled up on the dirty ground, her prince finally came to save her and the rest you can figure out, but it was a trick and the clock struck twelve."

This lyric is very self explanatory. Prince Charming came to save his Princess finally. But it was a trick, because when the clock struck twelve, the magic, the realness, the beauty of it, was gone.

"Build your home brick by boring brick or the wolves are gonna blow it down."

This line goes very deep. It tells you to make sure you build your life right, with each boring detail, don't skip things, do it right, otherwise it'll all come crashing down around you.

"You built up a world of magic, because your real life is tragic."

Magic is make believe. As we all know, it is to make something appear as if it were real when it obviously isn't.

It's time for me to bury my castle. In less than a year I will be a legal adult. It's time for me to begin acting like one.

Realizations.

I've been learning so much about myself lately. And quite honestly, it's scaring me. But I think it's in a good way...
I've learned things I thought I wanted I don't, things I thought I loved, I don't like at all, people I thought I knew, are complete strangers. But, I think this is all okay, I think I'm finally on the path of moving forward and taking chances. Something I've been too scared to do for a very long time. I've been hiding behind this rock for so long, that it's time for me to step out in the sunshine again. People shouldn't be used to seeing me upset, they shouldn't expect to see me sad. They should see me as happy, and not the fake happy. The kind of happy where it just flows off of me in waves. That's who I used to be and I think I'm ready to be that person again.

Too long I've been stuck in the norm of this generation. I've always wanted to make a difference, here's my chance, and I'm going to take it.

Sure, I have a lot of things to get right, and fix, but that's all part of my life! I can't beat myself up over every screw up I make, because I'm going to make them. And for once, I think that's okay.. <3